Atlas of the Heart - Brené Brown’s wonderful new book
One of the cliché questions that therapists are teased for asking is ‘How does that make you feel?’. Variations on this are ‘What are you feeling?’ and ‘How do you feel?’ I don’t care much for any of these questions because my experience is that they never seem to produce very much in response.
I’ve had an idea in my head for some time now. One morning I would be standing on the forecourt outside Wimbledon Station with my clipboard in hand stopping people and asking them this very simple question ‘How are you feeling right now?’. I’ve always thought the answers I’d receive would be pretty much the same as that same question elicits in a therapy session.
I reckon that those Wimbledon Station morning people might come back with some variation of three feelings - mad (angry), glad (happy) or sad. In her ground breaking new book ‘Atlas of the Heart - Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience’, Brené Brown identifies, describes and defines 87 different human emotions and experiences. That was not a typo – yes, eighty-seven.
Yet when Brené asked 7500 people the same question that I would put to those Wimbledon Station morning people the majority could only identify three feelings. Yes, we’re back to mad, glad and sad. Most people have a very limited vocabulary for describing how they feel. Now isn’t that sad!
People come to therapy saying they feel depressed (sad again). Most of these people would not meet the diagnostic criteria for depression. Their use of the word depressed describes a tent in which lives a maelstrom of undefined, complex, unresolved emotions. And most clients do not have the language to describe these feelings.
In Atlas of the Heart Brené Brown makes the point that having the language to describe and give form to our feelings has many benefits. For example, being more self-aware, the ability to make better connection with others, having better quality relationships, even giving life meaning. I agree with her.
One of my reservations about CBT is that it pays little or no attention to back stories. Clients’ back stories can be riveting, heart-breaking, amazing, wonderful, complex and unexplored. These back stories tell us so much about why our clients are actually there in the room with us, what their real issues are. Brené speaks about bearing witness and walking alongside our clients in their experiences. So true.
One of the pieces of advice I often give newly qualified or trainee supervisees is not to try too hard. Brené makes the point that a huge component of empathy is not trying to be in the other person’s shoes. It’s about hearing what it’s like for them to be in their shoes.
I’m right in there with Brené in that our job as therapists is not to fix it. It can be so tempting to come out with a ‘Have you thought about…’ or ‘Why don’t you…’. So what’s wrong with fixing it? Simple, it disempowers the client.
Clients aften say they want ‘tools’. If therapy were that easy then why not simply download a list of self-help tools online with lots of do this and don’t do that. Of course, it’s not that simple and that’s why demand for talking therapy has never been greater.
I’m also with Brené in that what people are searching for can be completely outside of their awareness. In therapy this can include….
A deep, non-judgemental, empathic connection with another.
The lived experience in therapy of how to relate to another.
To understand themselves, what makes them tick, what has shaped them to be who they are today.
Clients often say ‘There must be something wrong with me’ but of course they don’t know what that something is.
In reading Atlas I learned a new word from Brené - freudenfreude
You probably know what schadenfreude is. I define it as revelling in another person’s misfortune eg I’m pleased she lost, she was getting too big for her boots’. So here’s freudenfreude. ‘I’m pleased she got a distinction, she worked so hard and is so gifted. I am delighted for her’.
Sharing in the joy of another is something many people struggle with. So many clients are surprised when we offer them a ‘well done’ or ‘that’s great’. Many have experienced a life of put downs, abuse, etc and to have another celebrate their success either in their own therapy or elsewhere can feel weird.
A recurring theme in Atlas is the priceless concept of self-compassion. How many of us or our clients are as compassionate to ourselves as we would hope to be to our best friend, partner or child? How many clients say ‘I hate myself’, ‘I don’t like the way I look’, ‘I’m stupid’, ‘I’m fat and ugly’, ‘No one likes me’. The list of self put downs is a long one. Learning the practice of self-compassion is one of the great gifts we can give to our clients.
In case you’re thinking Atlas of the Heart is a boring list of 87 items, it isn’t. Brené brings all 87 ideas to life. She quotes her own extensive research and a host of other great thinkers in the field of what it means to be human. The book has some great illustrations eg demonstrating the difference between awe and wonder and a really moving painting from 1878 showing anguish.
When I meet new supervisees and ask them about their training they often answer Integrative using the Clarkson model. Brené’s book is equally as important as Petrushka’s and should be on every training reading list.
I recommend Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart to every trainee, supervisee and client. It maps the world of feelings in a way that has never been done before. It slices up overarching feelings into their component parts. It resonates with everyone’s experience of what it is to be human in 2022.
This book should be on every therapist’s bookshelf. It really is that good.
Do you have a book recommendation you’d love to share with me?
I’d love to hear from you!