How to succeed with clients who come to therapy expecting it to fail
Why would a client come to therapy expecting or even hoping that it would end in failure?
On the face of it this idea seems nonsensical, ridiculous, counterintuitive. Why waste all that time, money and energy engaging in a pursuit which you don’t expect to work? Yet people do. Over and over again.
Do any of these lines sound familiar?
‘You’re my sixth therapist.’
‘It wasn’t working with my last therapist so I just left.’
‘My last therapist was very nice. I saw her for three years but I’m not sure it really helped me.’
‘None of my previous therapists helped me, but I thought I might as well give it one last shot.’ [No pressure then]
‘I’d like to do it but the only time I can come is at the weekend, preferably on a Sunday evening.’
‘Do you do XYZ therapy? I’ve heard it’s really good and quick.’ [There are about 500 different therapeutic models out there]
‘My wife wants me to have therapy so I’m doing this for her but it’s not something I really believe in.’
‘I really want to have therapy on the NHS but they haven’t got space so could we just have a few sessions until they can take me?’
‘I’m sorry I can’t always start on time. Sometimes there are meetings at work which I can’t get out of’.
‘I’m sorry, I haven’t been able to pay you. I had to pay the balance on my holiday. Can I pay you next week instead?’
These are all real world examples of statements taken from client work over the last few years.
In purely practical terms some of these statements are quite plausible. Yes, there could be a meeting at work. Why would someone want to pay for something when they can get it for free? People do arrive at therapy having been ‘sent’ by a partner or friend, but they aren’t sure they even need to be there.
However, these statements and questions can also be ways that clients communicate something else to us. This something else in TA terms is called their Script, or in Psychodynamic terms, their Defences.
These statements and questions can be ways of protecting their Script, meaning their core or bottom-line beliefs about others, the world, their place in it, how life operates and even how life might play out. For example ‘I knew all along that nothing would help me. I’m such a failure.’
The scary thing for this client group is that if therapy were to work their script would lie in tatters in which case they’d either have to rewrite it or come up with a brand new script altogether. What’s more, they’ve had this script for years. It might be absolutely awful but at least it’s familiar and better than the unknown. And the unknown, a new script, is very, very scary indeed.
So here are 5 practical tips about working with this client group.
Moderate your expectations. Be prepared for disappointments. Sometimes progress with these clients can be two steps forward and one step back. Snakes and Ladders.
Challenge but do so tentatively. Questions like ‘I wonder what you might say to those people who say that ….’ and ‘I can imagine that some people might say …’ can be very useful and unthreatening.
Remember that it’s definitely not a good idea to demolish the current defences or tear up the old script leaving the client unprotected and vulnerable without a new narrative in place. Gently does it.
Work with these clients takes time. Be patient. You and they need to be aware of this. With the working relationship firmly established you can make the client aware that they are living a script which is not serving them well.
Fasten your seatbelt – the ride might be rough. These clients often will not easily let go of their old script.
Last, but not least, you really do need a good, experienced supervisor alongside you to support you in this sort of work with this challenging client group. In my experience you will need one.
Is this a problem you’re facing in your therapy business?
If so, get in touch to see how I can help you today.